When I was asked by Pastor Ken to write about my testimony, I didn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much to say, but so little to say it in. So I suppose I’ll start with the most significant event that has brought me closer to God.
A few days before July 22nd, 2003 I was a disillusioned man. I was angry with God for allowing so much misery in my life. How could he allow me to endure so much pain and suffering in my life? If he did exist, then why doesn’t he do something? How much more can I possibly endure before I break? I didn’t attend church anymore, my life was going nowhere, and I was angry, bitter, and fearful. Then, God led me through a series of events that made me realize how great he truly is.
A few days before July 22nd, I was deeply betrayed by someone I called a friend. To me, at the time, it seemed like a senseless act. How could he have done this to me? How could he hurt me so? Of all people, HE wasn’t supposed to do this to me! I t made no sense! I was so hurt, and this hurt turned to anger. I was so consumed by the unfairness of it all. All I could think about was making things even. Make him suffer as he has made me suffer. At the same time I was feeling this, I knew that this anger was controlling me and that it was keeping me from joy, from laughter, and happiness. It had taken over me.
Then, on the morning of July 22nd, 2003, while I was in my car contemplating this, I heard a Christian song. They sang that all we need is love, compassion and hope. My first thought was, “yeah, yeah, yeah�?, but suddenly, I thought, “What if I actually try that? What if I actually try to apply the teachings of Jesus in this situation? What if I actually try to “love my enemy�?, “forgive him�?, and treat him with goodness, not wrath? For the first time in my life, what if I actually tried to forgive someone who has hurt me deeply, just like it says in the Bible? Suddenly, something miraculous happened…for the first time in my life, I began to feel better. I began to feel the anger drain away from my body. I began to feel the pain of the betrayal start to heal. It is was as if Jesus laid his hand on my heart and the wound started to mend. This is truly the work of God.
Then I thought to myself, “Have I been holding on to this kind of pain all my life? How many old wounds and insults have I been keeping in my heart? How many injuries have I sustained that have never healed? How much poison have I ingested into my spirit that has never been purged?�? This was the moment that God awakened me. All the pain in my life, all the experiences I’ve accumulated, all the teachings I’ve learned has been to prepare me for this moment. God has finally answered my prayers.
From that moment on, that’s when I became a true believer. It all made sense at that point. The message of love, forgiveness, acceptance, tolerance, compassion, empathy. It all made sense in a world that, just doesn’t make any sense. I finally understood how powerful that message is. Even though I’m so imperfect in every aspect of my life. Even though I’ve…even though I’ve screwed up so many times in my life. Even though I’m going to screw up so many more times in my life, God will still love, accept and forgive me time and time again. His love, like no other, is unending. It’s infinite. This was something I finally realized and understood. From that moment on, I was re-born, with a clean slate. And through God’s constant love and forgiveness, I am renewed every moment of every day.
The following days, weeks, and months, I learned to forgive and to be forgiven by God, and by others that I have hurt or been hurt by. Because God loves me unconditionally, I can love others. God is the source of the never ending well. However, there are so many times when I fail in this endeavor, and I am ashamed, but that’s still OK because I know that God will forgive me, even when I fail. And for that, I am so, so grateful.
What can I say about my relationship with God? He has literally saved my life through his love. How can I thank him enough for that? How can anyone?