About two weeks ago, when Pastor Ken asked me if it would be okay to share my baptism testimony from last year, I told him that I would have to dig it up and do some “editing”. In my mind, I was going to revamp the whole thing to better “represent” where I am today. But I was reminded by a friend that the things I talked about in my testimony were relevant to me at that time, and might be relevant to other people as well. Looking back on this past year, I know that God was (and will always be) faithful to His promises.
A friend of mine once drew me a bell curve of the Christian walk. To the far left of the bell curve is the Christian who is just chugging along, not understanding his own sin and the need for change. Towards the middle of the bell curve is the Christian who is aware of his own sin, and is conscious of the growth God wants to bring him through. To the right of the bell curve is the Christian who is more mature, and is still growing. (I apologize if I’m butchering this analogy.) I am at the beginning middle of this bell curve. I know that God is growing me. And it’s exciting! Obvious as it may seem, I’ve come to realize that the gospel is powerful. I know many of you know the gospel, but when it comes down to it, do you really BELIEVE it? Do you believe that while you were a sinner, God died for you because of His great love for you? If you believe it, you will live it. Not by your own strength, or willpower, but truly by God’s abundant grace. All glory and honor and praise be to God.
Here’s my baptism testimony from December 1, 2002:
Although I have attended church pretty much my entire life, I have never really known God. I did not understand the concept of grace; I did not understand God’s unconditional love. Instead of a faithful, loving, gracious God, I made up my own God. My God was powerful, completely in control, but in place of His unconditional love, and awesome grace, I assigned a love that had to be earned.
I was a very insecure person. Very shy. I had a low sense of self-esteem, a low sense of self-worth. I did not accept myself. I always wanted to be someone else. The grass was always greener on the other side of the fence. I envied other people’s talents, wishing I could be smarter, or prettier, or better at sports or piano or violin. I wanted to be liked, and whatever would give me more attention, I wanted. My sense of self-worth depended on what other people thought of me. How I felt that day depended on how people treated or reacted to me.
As a result, I was in constant turmoil and confusion. I was discontent and stressed out, trying to please everyone. I tried to take everyone’s strengths and make them my own; I felt like I was being pulled at from all directions. I had no true sense of self. I didn’t know who I was, what I really wanted or desired on my own, apart from what I thought someone else needed or wanted me to be.
In essence, I made people my idol. I feared people, instead of God.
Moreover, and not surprisingly so, I was frustrated with being a Christian. I was frustrated with my own sins - tired of always falling short, and running back to God for help. I became extremely guilt-ridden. I did not think that I deserved to be forgiven time and time again, and in my guilt and shame, I distanced myself from God.
My faith was not based on grace – it was based on merit. As a result, I grew burdened by it. I thought to myself: If I was not so aware of my sin, if there were not all these “rules” I had to follow, my life would be so much easier, and I’d feel so much lighter. Because God only reminded me of how extremely sinful I was, I ran far away from Him.
By the start of my third year in college, God brought me to a place where I had to deal with my issues. My confusion and struggles with self-worth and “people-worship” needed to be worked through and resolved.
I needed help. I needed to see God as He truly is, and was, and always will be. I needed to re-educate myself as a Christian. I needed to hear the gospel again, and hold fast to God’s truths.
* God loves me. God loves you. God is AGAPE, unconditional love.
“For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.” John 3:16
“For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created things, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39
It’s not just about being loved; it’s about unconditional love. That means love with no strings attached. I think for most of us, this is something that is very foreign. As Asians, I think we feel the need to live up to a certain standard; we feel loved and respected when we get good grades, or become a doctor, or what not. God’s love has no strings attached. He accepts us as we are because He sees Christ in us.
* I am a sinner, and always will be.
“But God demonstrates his own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.” Ephesians 2:8-9
I am a sinner and I will always fall short. I need God’s grace. I can expect to run to Him, and expect that His love will not go away, that all my sins have been forgiven because they have been nailed to the cross with Him when He died. I don’t have to be afraid of condemnation. By refusing God’s forgiveness, you are rejecting God and His death on the cross. You are saying that you don’t need Him, you are saying that your standards are higher than His. This is pride.
* God wants to grow and change me.
He is unwilling to leave me as I am; He wants to change me.
“I am disappointed with myself…I have a nagging sense that all is not as it should be….Where does this disappointment come from? A common answer in our day is that it is a lack of self-esteem, a failure to accept oneself. This may be part of the answer, but it is not the whole of it, not by a long shot. The older and wiser answer is that the feeling of disappointment is not the problem, but a reflection of a deeper problem – my failure to be the person God had in mind when he created me.” (The Life You’ve Always Wanted, John Ortbert, pgs. 14-15)
“But God is determined to overcome the defacing of his image in us. His plan is not simply to repair most of our brokenness. He wants to make us new creatures. So the story of the human race is not just one of universal disappointment, but one of inextinguishable hope.” (Ortberg, pg. 18).
“For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Jesus Christ for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.” Ephesians 2:8-10
We are all God’s works in progress. Although many times, I get impatient with the process, I can be confident, as the apostle Paul is confident, that “He who began a good work in [me] will perfect it until the day of Jesus Christ.” (Phillipians 1:6)
For those of you who might be struggling with God, I really encourage you to be honest and real with yourself. Confront sin as sin. Be honest with your pride, be honest about your lack of trust, and about your disobedience. God already knows and He has already forgiven you for it. God cannot change you if you are unable to humble yourself under His mighty hand.
Posted by Admin in My Story